One of the continually amazing things in this process I’ve been in for some years now, of discernment and postulancy, has been how, just when everything seems the most messy, God steps in and sees to it that I get fed. This week, it was in the form of three Skype calls and one live lunch.
One of the problems in my situation is that I recognize the healthy thing is that, when I’m feeling all fragmented, not to dump my anxiety inside the parish except maybe occasionally, and even then to only the most trusted sources. It’s also of very little help to dump it on someone who is not spiritually in tune with my process, because this all seems so weird to the average 21st century person. “Really, you have to do what some man with a pointy hat says? You’re 55 years old and you have to be obedient to all these people like you’re a child? That’s bogus!”
The introvert in me doesn’t always come forward with my anxiety. Sometimes even those close to me have to tease it out. Sometimes it’s disguised as misguided anger. (I’m working on that one.)
But all I can say is, God Bless my friends. Last weekend I had a wonderful lunch and walk with one friend. Mid week I had two great Skype calls with long distance friends. All three of them were awesome in affirming where I was in my process. There were other little phone calls, winks, and nudges during the week, as well. On Thursday, a great looming weight was lifted from me at work (long story). But by Friday, I could see the world for what it was, and where I was in it, and was so overwhelmed with joy I could scarcely sit still.
I recognize when I feel healthy, it better serves the people I meet in chaplaincy, and having those people in my life are so important. I thank God for them. I really do need them.